Not all loves are equal. Not all heart-felt expressions of love hold the same depth. One love can be likened to that of a friendship, while another is that found in a marriage, and yet there is one love that surpasses these two and that is the unconditional love God has for his children, the love a doting parent has on their kids, or even that of one laying down their life for another. This last kind, places the object of its affection in a light which no fault or lapse of circumstance can diminish. It is a mindful, resolute position that vibrates lovingkindness, wisdom and understanding.
Last year, I had the privilege of working with a young Jewish family who had adopted indigenous Guatemalan children. The children have been steeped in Judaism, speak only English and are completely American. Approaching middle school years, the boy is smart and insightful, sensitive and a Minecraft aficionado. The sister is an outgoing, critical thinker who enjoys to write.
Through the course of my coaching interactions with the family, as it is, I sit down with the parents to discuss observations, listen to parent feedback, discuss ideas, and put forward suggestions. In this process, the mother has imparted to me the continuing focus of the daughter to know as much as she can about her birth parents. Deep questions percolate in her as to why she was given up for adoption. In one sense, I believe that she sees a wonderful person in herself and may wonder as to why she would be given up. Coming to terms with that is essential for her to move forward as she develops into a young lady. To her adoptive-mother’s credit, incredible efforts have been made to support her daughter’s questions. Custom home photo-scrapbooks of the adoption process were created and both children have gone to unique meetings with other adopting parents and their children to voice feelings and thoughts, and to listen and share with one another their stories. These have been instrumental, along with the manner in which the parents support the emotional process. At home, challenging questions surface, which are handled with such care that harmony in the family unit is kept and no restrictions on what can be broached and brought forth are made.
As a consequence of the way in which the loving Mom and Dad address all the emotions that bubble forth, the sister and brother, it seems to me, are unconditionally loved. This kind of love, is a smart love, a mindful love even, that stays acutely aware of how to move and respond, and because of this, it retains a relational perspective that directly influences the way in which the parents raise their children. With this in mind, as a support system to the family, I listen to the very-human parents as they express the exhalations that arise from time to time, as the daughter seeks closure on questions of her biological parents. To illustrate, the great constant progress made by the girl under the auspices of her loving parents, in a recent meeting, the mother shared with me a poetic reflection the daughter wrote that intertwined the vision of the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr. with her growing understanding of how she is choosing to continue to shape her own character. As it goes, she illuminated on his admonishment to recognize the humanity of a person before the color of their skin, or where they come from. In her journey then, she has sought out and found not only a trailblazer (King) who stood up with all his mind, all his soul, and all his might on such matters, but she has exercised an outlet in the form of creative writing to channel her thoughts and feelings.
None of this would have been possible had the parents not been of the mind and purpose to support the natural questions that present themselves. It takes an acute sense of emotional maturity to have the perspective to deal with such matters. As I said to Mom, “they may have had birth parents, but you and your husband are ‘Mommy and Daddy.’ Past the words and the daily back and forth of all that goes in a day, your children ‘hear’ that you love them; they feel, and I feel in this home, that receptivity, gentleness and unconditional love reigns…no mater what.”
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